


"I can't lose you, I won't lose you."

by katychan666



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mild Angst, Protective Alec, Spoilers for 3x16, happy end, magnus is alec's world, vulnerable magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 01:09:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18325631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: “By the Angel, I wish you could see yourself like I see you,” whispered Alec, who was almost angry. Not with Magnus, but with himself… couldn’t Magnus see how much he loved him? How much he loved everything him? With his flaws and all… there was nothing that Alec could look past with Magnus. “You stubborn man,” said Alec and slowly pulled back a little bit, Magnus looking up at him, Alec’s warm hands hugging his face. “You do realise I didn’t fall in love with you for your magic, yes?” asked Alec and Magnus nodded.“And you also know how amazing and magical you are with or without your powers, yes?” asked Alec.Silence.





	"I can't lose you, I won't lose you."

Magnus was sitting on the bed, still at the Institute's infirmary as Alec made him stay there a little longer so that they could make sure that his boyfriend was really going to be okay. But the real question was… what was okay? Sure, Magnus was physically stable, but being faced with the harsh truth that magic was off limits for good now felt like a slap harsh of reality into his face and he just didn't know how to deal it. Alexander had told him that he would love him no matter what, but how could he when even Magnus couldn't love this weak, pathetic version of himself and he angrily placed his hands together in his lap as he looked up. As quickly as magic was given to him, it was now taken again and he cursed, biting into his lower lip as he didn't know how to handle this. Luckily, he knew that he wasn't alone, so that was a start. He guessed and huffed under his breath as the door opened and Alec stepped inside as silence laid between them, thick and heavy.

 

Alec could see it Magnus’ eyes; he was angry with him for taking the magic away from him  _ again _ and felt terrible, but he did what needed to be done. He'd have angry than dying Magnus every day and he stepped closer to the other, who was stubbornly looking away as he felt betrayed. Magnus knew that Alexander loved him; when he was passed out, he could hear him calling out for him and he puffed his cheeks. If roles were reversed, Magnus would have done the same; Alec's wellbeing and safety would be more important. Magnus sighed and forced a little smile when Alec sat down to him and gently draped an arm around him and pulled him closer.

 

“How are you?” asked Alec, which he knew was a stupid question. How could Magnus possibly feel now that a part of him was missing _again._ Magnus scoffed at the question and he looked at the floor, but didn't look at Alec, which made him think that Magnus was too angry with him and he pressed his lips together.

 

“I've been better,” commented Magnus as he was playing with the rings on his hand and Alec nodded. Of course, that made sense, Alec didn't even stop to think about being insensitive with that question and he placed his hands together, nervously twisting his fingers as he felt scared. Was it the fear of losing Magnus? Yes, but a bit different than before. What if Magnus wouldn't be able to forgive him for brining Lorenzo to the Institute?

 

“Ah, yeah,” said Alec and took in a deep breath. “Catarina said you're all ready to leave the infirmary,” rambled Alec, which was a sign that he was nervous. Magnus only nodded and then looked down at his fingers, staring at his bare nails, some of the chipped polish still there to remind him of the better days. How could this make someone so sentimental? Alec twisted on his fingers tighter as he tried to calm down his racing heart, chest heavy with guilt. 

 

“Great,” said Magnus as his voice sounded distant. He was present there in the room with only his body, his mind was completely in a different place. A place that was much darker, a place that he was afraid of. A place… a moment of uncertainty. Magnus didn't know what was going to happen and that scared him. Alec had told him that he'd never leave him and he believed him, of course. Alexander was a great and-

 

“You're angry with me, aren't you?” asked Alec and Magnus looked up at him, but didn't reply. Silence spoke volumes to Alec and he just dug his nails into the back of his palm and Magnus looked down. Magnus wasn't angry with him, he understood why Alec did what he did… Ask Lorenzo for help. But… he was just disappointed and angry with himself. Alec took in a deep breath. “Look, Magnus,” said Alec as his hands were trembling and he tried not to feel sorry for himself. “What I did… I, um, you would've…” said Alec and his voice trailed off. “Seeing you collapse like that… seeing you struggle to  _ breathe _ , Magnus… I just couldn't,” said Alec and fought back the tears again. “I  _ can't _ lose you. Be angry, scream… Just please don't come to hate me,” said Alec and winced when he twisted his finger under a weird angle and Magnus quickly placed a hand over Alec's.

 

“Don't,” whispered Magnus as silence fell between them again. “Stop, you'll hurt yourself,” said Magnus and instead linked their fingers together. Magnus’ palm was warm now… it was so cold before, Alec thought that Magnus… “I could never hate you, Alexander,” whispered Magnus and Alec nodded, lower lip trembling. He lifted Magnus’ hand and placed his lips over the back of the warlock's palm, tears wetting his cheeks when he allowed himself to close his eyes. Alec's tears made Magnus’ eyes burn with heat as tears were welling up in his eyes as well.

 

“Magnus-”

 

“Alexander, I'm so sorry,” whispered Magnus, looking down as Alec wouldn't stop gripping on his hand.

 

“No. Don't apologise, Magnus. I'm just so happy you're better now,” said Alec and bit into his lower lip as he sniffled. Magnus shrugged and then just spend a long time gazing in front of himself. The things he said before… about how he was nothing without magic still resonated with Alec as he kept looking at Magnus. Saying that it was worth dying for magic… Alec couldn’t just let it go and he gently placed a hand on top of Magnus’ leg, who looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “A-about what you said before...”

 

Magnus took in a deep breath and just looked away. “Alexander, don’t-”

 

“Magnus, we need to talk about it,” said Alec and Magnus pressed his lips together, but said nothing as he allowed Magnus to continue. “Did… did you really mean what… what you said that it was worth... ” said Alec, but then couldn’t say it out loud, because he was again in his office, Magnus on the floor and he couldn’t do anything. His hands were trembling and he then took in a deep breath. “That for magic you’d-”

 

“No,” said Magnus and then shrugged, because he felt stupid for saying that before. He didn’t  _ really  _ mean it, especially because he knew how loved he was, how much Alexander loved him… that meant a lot more to him than his magic and it was at the moment probably the only thing keeping him grounded more or less. “I didn’t,” said Magnus and then made a short pause. “It’s just… I was stupid and-”

 

“Not stupid, you’re hurting,” said Alec and bit his lip. “I should have realised it sooner, I should have-”

 

“Alexander,” said Magnus and took in a deep breath as he was still holding on Alec’s hands. “You shouldn’t blame yourself, I was just-”

 

“No, I was being selfish, because I rather pretended that you were okay and decided to keep a blind eye on your pain,” said Alec and his voice was breaking again. “If anything happened to you, Magnus, I’d be never able to forgive myself,” said the hunter, who was again on the verge of tears, gripping on Magnus’ hands. His warm hands, soft… capable of so much love and affection. “You’re my world, Magnus,” said Alec and Magnus was crying again, tears rolling down and wetting his cheeks, Alec slowly cupping his face. “I love you so much, more than anyone else in the entire world,” he said as Magnus was struggling to say anything, but he felt a lump at the back of his throat, tight, making him unable to speak. There were words on his tongue, burning, needed to be said, but all Magnus could do was cry.

 

“I love you too,” managed to say Magnus as he was slowly breaking down and Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus, keeping him close. 

 

“By the Angel, I wish you could see yourself like I see you,” whispered Alec, who was almost angry. Not with Magnus, but with himself… couldn’t Magnus see how much he loved him? How much he loved everything him? With his flaws and all… there was nothing that Alec could look past with Magnus. “You stubborn man,” said Alec and slowly pulled back a little bit, Magnus looking up at him, Alec’s warm hands hugging his face. “You do realise I didn’t fall in love with you for your magic, yes?” asked Alec and Magnus nodded, everything from flooding back to him. 

 

“I know,” said Magnus softly and Alec sighed in relief.

 

“And you also know how amazing and magical you are with or without your powers, yes?” asked Alec. Silence. Magnus couldn’t reply to that and Alec gritted his teeth when Magnus was again looking down. He made him look up into his eyes and he pressed their foreheads together. “You, Magnus Bane, are the most wonderful and amazing person I have ever met,” said Alec and Magnus felt his heart twisting yet again. “I love how strong you are, how you never back down without a fight. You always stand for what you believe in and-and you’re always there to selflessly help the people you love,” said Alec and kept Magnus’ gaze focused on his. “You’re the one who taught me what real courage looks like, you taught me how it is to love and to feel loved, Magnus, you’ve-”

 

“Alexander, stop,” whispered Magnus and Alec clicked with his tongue.

 

“I love the way you smile, the way you get cranky at times, how you try to give me nicknames… no matter how weird they are,” said Alec, trying to make Magnus feel better and managed to make him snort, Alec smiling as well. “If you honestly think I’d love you any less because you’ve  _ temporarily _ lost your powers, then you’re  _ so _ mistaken,” said Alec and leaned closer to place a kiss on top of Magnus’ lips, who let out a small sob as he kissed him back and wrapped his arms around Alexander, trying not to sob too loud, but it was impossible and he just buried his face into the crook of Alec’s neck. The hunter gave him all the time he needed, gently rubbing his back and after a few minutes, Magnus pulled back, eyes red and puffy. Alec wiped away his tears and Magnus took in a deep breath.

 

“I-I know,” said Magnus and Alec nodded. “I just… need some time,” whispered Magnus and then looked into Alec’s eyes. “But I do know how much you love me,” he quickly said and Alec kissed his forehead. “I just… don’t know what to do… what should my next move be,” he said and shrugged.

 

“Don’t worry,” whispered Alec. “We’ll figure it out…  _ together, _ ” said Alec and Magnus looked at him. “Let the first step be finding an apartment together?” offered Alec like they’ve talked about it and Magnus slowly nodded. Yes, he’d like that. “And then,” said Alec, giving Magnus a little smile. “When you’re back on your feet, we’ll pay your father a visit,” he said, Magnus looking at him, frown in between his eyebrows. 

 

“Asmodeus?”

 

“We’re getting back your magic, Magnus,” said Alec and Magnus was about to tell him that it wouldn’t be so easy, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment and he allowed himself to fantasize about it for a bit longer. It would be nice, truth be told and-

 

“Whatever you say, Angel,” said Magnus and placed his head on Alec’s shoulder, closing his eyes.

 

But, Alexander kept his promise; the two of them had moved in together short after, not too far from the Institute either. With Alec’s help, Magnus was able to get back up on his feet. It was a slow process, but with one step at a time, Magnus was feeling stronger. Alec had also gone to his mother for the family ring, so that he could propose to Magnus, but he waited for the perfect time. And what more perfect it could get after the two had stepped out of Edom, with Magnus’ magic finally back. It was then that Alec finally got down onto one knee and proposed… nothing fancy, both of them still pretty beaten up after facing Asmodeus. But to Magnus, the proposal was perfect, so much that he couldn’t stop sobbing from happiness for hours after saying  _ yes.  _

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> Leave a comment if you liked it :)


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